While a lot of you may not be able to relate to my story, a lot of you will relate to my feelings and emotions I went through.
When I became pregnant with my first child in came the influx of unsolicited advice. Things about how little sleep I would get, how hard things were going to be, how little "me" time I was going to have.
You know what I'm talking about! And I am the type of person who thinks quietly to myself, "tell me that I can't and I'll show you that I can!"
So I listened and nodded while bookmarking aka making mental notes at the back of my head of exactly what not to allow to happen. A) make sure you sleep, a lot, B) make sure to shower at least every other day C) don't look like you're losing your shit!
This was going to be my first child you know what I mean? I just wanted everything to be perfect! Including me and my handling of pregnancy and motherhood. I wanted to master it all!
At 3 months into my pregnancy (and I hadn't even told anyone yet at this point that I was even pregnant) and having only just recently found out I was pregnant, my stepkids' mom was murdered by her boyfriend.
I was already under a lot of stress. Not only was I about to graduate from university with my Bachelors degree (a week after her murder), but the guy wasn't even arrested yet and I feared for the kids and all of our safety. The courts decided my stepkids were to finish the last 2 weeks of school (which was in a different state than us which we completely understood made sense) but was also closer to psycho boy. And so the courts gave emergency custody to their maternal grandparents in the state that they had lived with their mom until we went through the whole entire court process of getting the emergency custody transferred interstate to regular full custody to their dad (lots of legal mumbo jumbo and of court time and money which were the least of my concerns compared to the crazies).
Not to mention a few weeks before her murder we were actually already in court trying to get custody since their mom & moms boyfriend had just been arrested for child endangerment, I won't go into details.
Not even a month after finally getting the kids settled into our home and routine they were only accustomed to on weekends, their maternal grandmother was starting court proceedings to get Grandparents Rights because she accused my fiance of withholding the kids from visiting her which was completely untrue.
She would call and text him yelling and cursing him out.
The stress of all that eventually got to me and I threw my back out while 4 months pregnant. I had just had a miscarriage a few years prior and was so worried all this stress was going to cause me to miscarry again.
I continued to work and went on maternity leave a month and a half before my due date. I didn't plan to go back or not go back. I wanted to do something with my degree but it just wasn't in the cards for me at the time with everything going on. I wasn't able to do an internship which would mean 1200 hours unpaid, while juggling work and 3 kids. I wasn't in the right space mentally either.
By the time my baby was about 7 months old we were in couples therapy. I hated not bringing in money, was permanently stuck in "mommy mode" and was forgetting who I was before kids.
My independence felt shattered. I had moved to Ohio to gain independence from a worthless marriage that had brought me down for years. I felt like what I had worked for was suddenly for nothing. I was for the first time ever, taking care of kids, putting them in school, exclusively breastfeeding my newborn, putting the kids in grief groups and therapy, trying to make sure I was doing right by everyone and everything. I was last on my priority list like most moms.
On top of all that I went through a bad antibiotic allergic reaction. My baby was 6 months old at the time and I had to put her on formula which made me feel like a failure as I had committed to wanting to only breastfeed. But it happened. And what I didn't know at the time was that it had completely wiped out my gut microbiome, or the healthy part at least. At the time I didn't know the correlation between antibiotics and the gut microbiome. I mean, I think I knew some but not to that extent. So months later when I was sick of experiencing gut pain so agonizing that made it nearly impossible to even move, I went to see a gynecologist because I thought I might have endometriosis (gut pain/miscarriage/other random details).
As I talked to the doctor and he asked me questions about my period, he said he doesn't believe its endometriosis or anything female oriented necessarily because my periods were so normal.
Irregular periods are a good indicator of something being off just so you know.
So I suggested, "could it be ulcers?" And he asked if I was under a lot of stress and I started to tell him part of what I have just told you guys here in this post and I burst out sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't believe what I was doing. I'm crying? It was like the first time someone asked me how I was really doing that I didn't feel embarrassed to tell how I had completely failed as a mom and holding shit together?
Needless to say, he said he would definitely agree that I am under stress and recommended a good therapist he used to work in the building with. (By the way, ulcers are caused by a bacteria called H. Pilori). Thankfully he didn't want to throw pills at me and said he wanted me to try therapy first before going that route.
It wouldn't be until a year later that I would learn about the gut microbiome and figure out my own health problem with IBS and eventually cure it myself. But until then, therapy was and has been amazing.
So while my intentions during pregnancy were to be this almighty warrior motherly goddess Gaia, the rug was pulled out from under me. I felt very weak and lost. I lost myself and I felt very confused about who I was and meant to be. I was depressed and upset a lot. I felt guilty at times because I wanted to have those "first baby" moments with just me and Ken. I thought I would but I don't resent the kids for that. They are the greatest kids seriously and absolutely adored their little sister from the second she was born. They've done nothing but unconditionally love me since the moment they came into my life and I just love them so much that I couldn't imagine experiencing any of our family moments without them.
Things were just happening so fast it was hard to slow down. They lost their mom, gained a mom, gained a sister, were uprooted and here I am feeling guilty for being mad that I didn't get those first time mom/parent moments with our first kid together. It was very hard to digest and confusing.
My daughter is 3 years old now. And one thing everyone, (including my dad who drilled it into my head since birth - he has been gone since 2005) was right about is, that time flies and one day you'll blink and they'll be in high school, driving a car, getting a job, getting married, having children of their own.
So try to stay in the moment and enjoy every second. The crying, sleepless nights (which we didn't have too many of, so it's not all true) and temper tantrums won't last forever. Plus I got to shower every day or every other day because my fiance is the best!
Motherhood is full of emotions. Sadness, happiness, guilt and best of all, LOVE.
Soak it all up!
What I learned from this:
~I learned to anticipate the unexpected.
~I learned there is something to be learned in everything that happens in life.
~I learned that things are happening for me not to me. Or at least if I keep this view it makes things easier. Good or bad, there is something to be learned.
But most of all:
~I did personal development, reading, listening to podcasts or Audibles, things that expanded my mind and helped me stay strong and positive.
~Get support and surround yourself with positive people.
~Never stop growing.
~Workout! This became hugely important to my mental well-being, finding time for myself and taking care of me. Started with walks on trails with my baby out in nature, and then running with her in the jogger stroller, and then home workouts in the winter are what really got me into weight lifting and I got back into yoga.
~Me time is not selfish, in fact it is crucial to not only mine, but everyone else's well-being and nobody should withhold that from you or rob you of it. Especially yourself.
~Meditation.
~Asking for help.
~I also was able to find ways to fulfill my need to bring money in without having to leave my baby and be there for my kids after school. (I can do another post specifically on that since I know I'm not the only mom with the desire to work and stay home with the kids.)
~But the greatest gift was becoming a mom to all my children.
~ And lastly, Love always.
XOXO
Juliette