Who are you when you are angry? I had this question pop into my head last night as I was trying to process this anger I was feeling inside me about something that doesn't even directly involve me but that in my heart really makes me mad. I cannot handle the injustice of the situation and it upsets me.
You know, I don't get angry like I used to. I mean sure I get really annoyed and sometimes someone can push the right button but I am quick to recognize the useless anger and let it go. But with this particular situation, I cannot. Possibly also because I am forced to bottle it up because I am not "allowed" to speak my truth on it because it may hurt someone I love. There is just something in me that hates seeing the under dog get kicked over and over again. I hate injustice. I hate when the good guy loses. And every now and then, since March, the same anger comes up to visit. Since MARCH! That's a long time to keep revisiting the same anger, albeit off and on but to still feel anger whenever I think about 'this', really bothers me. I hate that it bothers me. I can't believe it has affected me this long.
Thank God for the growth I have been through in my life because I wouldn't have been able to crawl my way out of this one 15 years ago.
A quote I love is "Things don't change. People change." Nothing changes if nothing changes, and if you don't make a change then nothing will change.
So who am I when I am angry? Well I can tell you that I am not the person that I used to be when the old me would get angry. But maybe that's why it tears me up and creates a fear in me because it reminds me of that person I used to be, that would get consumed by anger.
I get upset at myself even more for being angry.
When you have spent more than a decade, literally rewiring your brain, learning to 'sit' with yourself in the worst of times, growing yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally and creating the human you are today because you couldn't stand to be bitter anymore and then something like what is causing this anger happens and controls you, you feel disheartened. You can't shake it or take the lessons you've learned and apply them to this particular situation. It's very hard. But I have to hold onto who I have become because going back would be far worse.
When we are angry, upset, hurt, we do things we don't normally do. These things might bring temporary satisfaction or ease to our minds but they aren't going to alleviate the pain permanently.
It sounds so obvious but maybe you don't even realize you do this too. These things we do can range from, drinking more alcohol than normal, to saying something hurtful because we want others to feel our pain too. Nobody wants to suffer alone right? It can range from mindlessly scrolling on your phone to staying in bed and over sleeping. These are escapes. Temporary escapes.
When I was in my twenties I had a boyfriend introduce me to chemical drugs. I would have never sought them out myself. I was probably just like any typical young adult that went out and partied but what I didn't realize at the time was that I was trying to numb out some trauma. And when I was introduced to heavy drugs my whole world changed. It numbed me completely. I felt nothing. I felt absolutely no emotions about anything. It became my medicine and I even began to call it that. It took 3 to 4 years to completely overcome my addiction because when you are getting sober, your body and brain are still telling you that you need drugs to feel good, but not only that, everyone knows that part; the part they don't see is you are finally getting moments of clarity (sober mind) where you realize the awful truth of what you've been doing not only to yourself but to the people around you, and the guilt is heavy to bear. It makes you just want to escape all that pain and bad emotions all over again and your brain knows exactly what worked before. You tell yourself you're not worth it. You're garbage. You're tainted. You'll never recover from this. You'll never be better. You're a failure. And that's why people relapse. It's a catch 22. You are in pain and you know what will be a quick solution to not feeling pain anymore. But again, it's only temporary relief and long lasting pain and suffering. Sometimes you have to walk along side suffering until you are ready to let it go.
What I went through with drug addiction is probably not the same as what you do when you are hurt or angry. But! Whatever it is you do that allows you an escape from facing your anger head on, is your "drug of choice". Whatever it is you pick up to do when you want to avoid facing a harsh truth, is your temporary escape.
I had unfortunately discovered quite possibly the worst thing to avoid facing my harsh reality. I was dealing with a lot of emotional trauma that I didn't want to think about.
Who knows, maybe you are dealing with your own emotional trauma. I didn't realize I even was until after I got sober. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? I didn't know I was in pain. I didn't know that what happened in my life was actually emotionally hurting me because I numbed it out before I could ever deal with it.
We live in a world with so many distractions. Can you imagine for a second what it must have been like to live hundreds of years ago, where there were no internet, no tv, no phones, not even cars, just you and your family and some farm animals? There was plenty of time for self-reflection.
Today, we can instantly find gratifications and escapes from our own thoughts by just checking our phones. 'Ooh someone messaged me, I feel important, needed, wanted, etc.' And what a great way to distract us from ourselves. In our busy lives we don't have to sit in our feelings if we don't want to or if they are too much to face. We create excuses for why we don't have time to care for ourselves. I don't know about you but if I can scroll Instagram, then I have 10 minutes I could be journaling, meditating, reading, dancing, anything besides avoiding the one thing that will help us feel better. Self love.
This is why yoga and meditation for me changed my life. Having to sit with myself was one thing I hadn't allowed because my pain would always surface. We all do this without even thinking. "Oh, I had a bad day at work", so I am going to drink this bottle of wine and veg out in front of the tv eating an excess of carbs so that later I can regret it and feel even shittier. Or I'm going to scroll my phone mindlessly for hours so that I can complain about my lack of time to take some sort of initiative when it comes to my own life.
It's ok to do this sometimes when we need a break but not to avoid facing the real hard issues that keep us captive to our pain. Not when we know there is an underlying issue that is keeping us from becoming the person we always wanted to be. You know that person?
Now you might argue that even good things, such as working out also only brings temporary relief. Well, it might be temporary but you can feel proud about it. Nobody ever felt proud after a night of heavy drinking to escape their life. Or smoking a cigarette to relax. Does anybody actually feel good after smoking?
Doing a shitty thing like that can create even more bad behavior which will only leave you feeling even more like crap. Remember my drug addiction? Same thing. Whether you choose a negative or a positive action, your choices will lead you in that direction. So choose good. Choose to sit with yourself in meditation. Choose to sit in silence. Listen to your thoughts. Put your phone down and just listen to your internal dialogue. What are you saying to yourself? What do you wish you were saying?
It's okay to be angry. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to feel like in this moment you cannot handle it. But the more you sit with it, the easier it becomes to deal with because you figure out how to deal with it. It may never go away. You cannot change what has happened. But you can change how you handle it. Surrendering it to God has always been the ultimate solution for me.
I'm in a place now where I don't run from pain. It's not fun to know you're angry and not know how to stop. But it's surprising and feels good when you see that you didn't revert back to your old bad habits to deal with it.
So ask yourself:
What are you actually doing to face the issues that make you angry? Are you just reverting back to your old ways time and time again? You know, the definition of insanity, expecting a different outcome. Expecting it to magically resolve itself. Expecting to find sudden joy.
You cannot hope to be in a better place in your life by always reverting back to the old you.
Another great saying is (I don't know who said it first Gary Vee or Hal Elrod) "once you take responsibility for everything that is happening in your life, only then can you take back your power." I am by no way saying that rape victims, children who have been abused, etc,. are by any means responsible for what happened to them, but what this means is that HOW you choose to move forward after is entirely up to you and by choosing to be responsible for that aspect of it, you are taking your power back. You are free.
A happy life doesn't mean a life without suffering. It'll never be perfect so choose progress over perfection. Be grateful for the progress you make. Be proud of yourself. Thank yourself.
I am so glad you stumbled upon this post and I believe everything happens for a reason so don't ignore this message.
"I am doing the best that I can in this moment. But I can and will do better." (Hal Elrod "Miracle Morning")
Who are you when you are angry? You are not yourself.
And lastly, work out because hitting people is illegal.
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