This post isn't about striking fear into any new mom. I believe we hear enough horror stories. This is just my own personal recount and experiences. Take what you will. Form your own opinions and thoughts. Leave the rest.
Not that I feel like I should but I will give a disclaimer: My love for my children both biological and not is not up for discussion or even questionable. I love my children and this has nothing to do with how much I love them. Also, I have no shame in being a completely open book about my thoughts and feelings. I am free because I choose to be me 100% and un-apologetically me!
I will start with a little background about my thoughts growing up about having kids. When I was a teenager I decided I would much rather have dogs than ever have any kids. I had/have a lot of dreams and I wanted to explore all that the world has to offer. I grew up the middle child of 5. No step siblings, no other 'parents' besides my biological ones. I loved growing up in my big family. I loved how close in age my older brother and younger sister and I were because we played together. As I got older my parents relationship was strained by finances (or at least that's what my 10 year old brain told me). We went from having millions, living in a nice house in France to living in a tiny 3 bedroom cockroach infested apartment struggling to make ends meet. It really hurt my parents. I felt like they suffered so much just for us kids. I also based my decision on the words and opinions of people close to me. They jokingly, but I felt a tone of honesty, would say "Don't ever have kids! They ruin everything!" I watched people get angry, lost their temper and just struggle with their kids. And the 3rd thing that I based my decision on was watching the woman giving birth on a video in health class. The best birth control ever! I had an insane fear of having something growing inside me and going into labor. I thought anyone who would put themselves through that was completely insane haha.
Subconsciously: As I got into my 20s I really admired Angelina Jolie for many reasons but her love for adopting kids from impoverished countries made me think that maybe someday if I wanted kids I would probably adopt (but from America) because there are so many living in orphanages that needed someone.
I am for the sake of the topic here, going to skip all the trauma I later endured as a young adult which also made me not want to bring kids into a world that I viewed as really heartbreaking.
Fast forward many years and I meet Ken, my fiance. He has 2 kids; a 1 year old and a 5 year old. They are now 11 and 15. And at the time that he told me this, I wasn't scared nor did I ever for a minute think "RUN!" He shared custody with their mom and they were mostly at her place since they went to school in her city, but I really loved it when they came to our home and I could bond with them. He loves his kids so much and I fell in love with that man who cried everytime he had to wave goodbye to them as they went back to their mom. At some point I thought to myself, 'this is what I was called to do. Because I fear having my own kids and not wanting to bring them into this sad world, I got 2 and I didn't even have to carry or birth them myself. How lucky I am' This was just the perfect alignment of 2 people meeting to me. The fact the kids lived at their mom's half the time and they were 'eased' into my life probably really helped me warm up to the idea of being a parent too.
After 5 years together, I became pregnant. It wasn't planned but it was a happy thing.
I faced my greatest fear and gave birth in 2016 to our beautiful baby girl.
When I found out I was pregnant I was graduating with my Bachelors in Nutrition Science. I wanted to be a dietitian. But once the baby came, baby become my everything.
We decided that I wasn't going to go back to work at the retirement home and I would stay home with her. Neither of us wanted to put her in daycare. EVER. At the retirement home I worked with a young single mom who had a toddler in daycare. She got a phone call one day from his daycare saying that he had fallen off the changing table and she had to rush out of work. This mortified me and basically re-instilled the idea that I wanted to be responsible 100% of the time for my children.
Note: Besides that nightmare story, I have nothing against women who put their children in daycare. If you must, you must. Especially for single moms who have to work. It can be affordable if you go on government support but we were lucky enough that I am financially savvy and Ken's income could support us. It's a personal decision all parents will face and a decision that MUST be made together.
So what was it like going from working since I was a teenager to, at 32 years old, no longer having my own income, no longer waking up when I want or according to my work schedule, getting dressed and ready on my own time, leaving the house to go to work, no longer interacting with the outside world? Well, first of all raising babies IS work. And I may sound dramatic about the 'no outside contact' but I had mine in the dead of one of the coldest winters since I moved here and the people I knew hardly left their houses. I didn't mind at first that I wasn't leaving the house because I was tired and had plenty to keep me busy but I soon would get cabin fever and missed having adult conversations.
I was strictly breastfeeding and never gave her formula so I was a very busy mom. Cleaning bottles & breast pump accessories pumping breast milk, changing diapers, cuddling, holding, walking, pacing, rocking, laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. Grocery delivery by the way wasn't a thing then unfortunately.
When you choose to breastfeed, you need to realize that your body is now a milk producing factory and your only job is to keep producing milk to keep your baby alive. Just like any other animal. As a sahm this is probably a major perk and heck of a lot easier to handle then a working mom who has to hide in a public restroom and pump milk several times a day. There is nothing fun about leaking from your headlights in public.
~You will spend a lot more time in pajamas, to the point that it is no longer a luxury. I didn't mind wearing pjs all day but some days I really wanted to feel human again. It may sound like a dream to people who are going to work everyday but honestly, wearing your pjs day in and day our, sort of does something to you mentally. You want to feel put together at some point. You want to feel like yourself again even if just for a minute. So if you do anything for yourself, get dressed, trust me it does something to your psyche.
~You will feel like you're losing your mind. Nobody's life gets completely up-turned quite like the parent who decides to stay home. Everything about their life is COMPLETELY different, their sleep schedule, their eating schedule, their work schedule if they work from home, their bathing schedule; whereas the partner going to work is still doing the same routine and not much has changed except for what happens when they get home. No, this isn't a competition of who has it worst. But in my opinion, the mentality of the working partner doesn't have a major disruption other than feeling responsible for you and baby which in itself is a lot but they are interacting with the outside world, which is imperative to a person's mental health. They are having adult conversations. They can go to the bathroom whenever they want. Alone! There is still a piece of normalcy that they are able to hold on to. And that is why my advice is to do something just for you at least once a day or week. Something that you used to do before baby. And fight for that right. Because if you are not all there, what can you give to anyone else. As the saying goes, "You can't pour from an empty cup" and anybody who doesn't believe or understand that, has never walked a mile in your shoes. I believe that the healthiest relationships and the ones that 'make it' are the ones where there is open communication and understanding that each partner needs a moment to themselves and the ones that don't make it are the ones where each partner is competing with the other over who has it worse. Just love each other. Know its hard for both and give each other freedom, time and space.
~You will be tested to the brink of utter exhaustion, mentally and physically, but you will survive and you will come out such a stronger more bad-mother-fucking-ass human because of it. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger! I was lucky that I had a very easy baby when it came to bed time. She slept in our bed practically from the beginning. I tried the crib but I was terrified of her stopping breathing in the middle of the night and having her close meant I could check on her quickly. Plus I was breastfeeding all throughout the night every hour and a half, setting an alarm and waking up and falling asleep basically with her nursing. I just didn't see myself getting up out of bed, walking to her nursery and pulling her out of her crib to sit with me and nurse every 1.5 hours. I had good intentions, I had a rocking chair and I did it once maybe but come on! My doctor had put the "she's not gaining weight fast enough" fear into me and told me I had to feed her every 1.5 hours including in the middle of the night. I had no problem doing that anyways, since my boobs were going to explode and I had already given myself 2 bouts of mastitis and that wasn't fun. (Note: I don't care if you think sleeping with your baby is wrong. They are babies once and I don't plan on having any others so I'm going to cuddle the crap out of her for as long as I can until she becomes an annoyed teenager. You do you boo, I'll do me). By the way, it's YOUR baby so YOU and only YOU and the baby's other parent gets to decide how to raise it. NOBODY else. Unless you are completely incompetent.
Some other things I wish I had known before I became a SAHM (and which would still never have altered my decision to do so):
~Having a baby is like the longest, fastest, scariest emotional roller coaster ride that just never ends. That is the best metaphor I got for it.
I felt utterly full of love but also completely guilty about everything. What's crazy is you think you know love until you have a baby and then you realize you have never loved anyone quite as much as your baby.
~I'd want to cry for no reason. Or so I thought. The reason can be PPD but mine was being mental exhausted. Being stuck in my own head because of my lack of socializing. We need human interaction. If you watch the show Alone on History Channel then you know!
~I'd feel bad about myself. A lot. Like although I was overwhelmed, I still never felt like I was doing enough (more tips on this later).
~I felt lonely. Oh so lonely and so aloooooone. Not everyone will. I am 'the strong determined' one in my family and so nobody felt I needed help or checked in on. I felt alone a lot.
But even when I wasn't alone I still felt alone. It's a strange feeling to constantly have someone attached to you or surrounded by people (my fiance and kids) and yet still feel so alone. Again the real issue is the fact that you're probably so used to sitting in silence that you don't talk enough about how you're feeling. Get out of your own head and talk!
Also another reason I felt alone was I spent my first 8 months attached to a breastpump plugged into the wall or sitting in hiding breastfeeding her. I would have to excuse myself from get-togethers, parties, restaurants, zoos, everything, to go privately feed my baby. Cause you know for some reason, people get weirded out by it and I'd rather be alone with my baby and bonding in peace then being stared at with judging eyes of one of the most beautiful parts of being a mom.
~I feel guilty for not bringing home an income. But I remind myself of everything that I am keeping afloat and am balancing and holding together for everyone I am responsible for and I don't feel so guilty.
Sidebar: My best advice if you are pregnant or planning on becoming pregnant, please make sure you have an open and honest discussion with your partner about your plans for after baby's arrival. Who will work? Just him, just you, both? Who will watch the baby? You, him, both? Will he work mornings and you work nights? Will the baby go to daycare? My best advice is that you both have an understanding and agreement. Decide whether you will return to work after maternity leave. Decide if he will be ok with you going back to work and putting the child in someone else's care while you work. Decide whether you will stay home and that will be your job. Decide that if you give up your career and pursuing your goals while you raise children, that you both are on the same page and in agree-ance. Decide and agree.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard of women giving up their career or going to school because they became pregnant and they (her and partner) agreed to have her stay home and raise them but 5, 10, 18 years down the road the husband decides he no longer wants to be with his wife and so he leaves and now she is left starting her life from scratch at 40 working a shitty job at a fast food place because she let her career go or scrambling to figure out how she's going to go back to work and what she's going to even do. Does the partner care? Not at all. They've had a career the whole time. They're set.
Know who you're having a child with and make sure you take care of yourself no matter how "selfish" anyone thinks it is.
~Being a stay at home mom doesn't mean I sit on the couch and eat bonbons all day, although Ken jokes about it and says I should, sometimes yes I do sit on the couch and eat some fucking chocolate, sue me. Being a parent is a full time mentally and physically demanding job, not only in the sense of the fact that you are keeping a completely helpless defenseless human alive, but in the sense that your brain never - shuts - off. You now are constantly pre-occupied with the needs of that child. Your body, mind and time no longer belong to just you. Unless you make time for just you!
This is something that the parent who goes to work will struggle to understand but should be supportive of. The healthiest relationships are the ones where a partner listens and even if they don't understand, they will try to or show that they care. They don't have to agree with your decision to take a 5 minute break to breathe but they should grant it.
Your only job as a stay at home parent is to keep the child alive. Whatever it takes. Not to keep a spic and span clean house or have a gourmet dinner on the table as soon as the partner walks through the door. Those are privileges, extras, bonuses, whatever you want to call it, but not "rights" just because the other person is bringing home the bacon. If the stay at home parent got paid for everything they did they would be bringing home the bacon too, but they're not paid.
Those days when you are feeling like a gosh dang super woman because the child has maybe napped a solid hour or not cried uncontrollably long enough for you to have a clear thought to yourself and you got shit done! Baby, give yourself a standing ovation!! You deserve it! Give yourself a damn raise baby!
And when those blips of productivity do arise, those are when you shower and take care of yourself first, then worry about the mess and dinner.
Sidebar: Each partner's 'job' has its pros and cons but neither has the right to EXPECT anything from the other. You can't come home and expect the house to be in order and food to be on the table, if it is great but if it's not, then help out. Both partners are making sacrifices. No partner is higher up or better than the other. Each has their own pros and cons. Both are striving to keep child alive. Everything else is EXTRA. I don't EXPECT Ken to go to work, but he does and I appreciate him for that. Ken doesn't expect me to have dinner ready or his laundry done when he gets home but if it is then he appreciates it. None of it is a right over the other partner. A healthy relationship means you know each of you is dealing with their own struggles and appreciating all the hard work each is giving, and helping the other out whenever possible.
~I didn't know I would feel like I lost my identity. I have been amazingly blessed and lucky to have my fiance be who he is. When he would come home from work he would "take over" and tell me, "now go do whatever you gotta do" and I would just look at him confused and reply "I don't know what to do" haha. It's a strange feeling. But I'll tell you now, if you have a partner like that, thank him daily and then go shower.
Storytime: A mom I know, would go weeks without showering because she was never allowed out of the sight of her children ("dumping and running" is what she would be accused of if she even got up to do the dishes, not even do something for herself, but the freaking mountain of dishes). And even when she did get the opportunity to shower, her husband would be standing outside the bathroom with the baby crying saying "hurry up!!" or as she went to shower he would say "make it quick!" Find yourself a better man than that. One that acknowledges your sacrifices and hard work and gives you however long you need to shower. Even if your hard work meant sitting on the couch holding a sick screaming baby all day or driving around aimlessly, or walking a store somewhere just to get out of the same 4 walls. This same mom, in 5 years got her hair done once, well, almost. She asked permission to get her hair done on a Saturday and after being told she could, she made an appointment. Not 10 minutes into that appointment and her husband was texting her cussing her out telling her she had to "fucking come home NOW!!!" because his youngest was crying. Needless to say this mom left the appointment and never got her hair done. She has since been able to get her hair done 1 time and that was never lived down or not shoved in her face for how selfish she was. A few hours, in 5 years. So maybe first and foremost, my advice again is, make sure you know who you are having a child with.
~I wish I didn't have such high standards for myself. Don't try to be everything to everyone. Learn to say no when neccessary. You will drain the living life out of you if you don't.
~I wish I had asked for help. It takes a village to raise just 1 child. And that's not just a myth or old saying, that is the truth.
~I wish I hadn't isolated myself trying to be tough. You need people. And trust me I am not the only mom who has had a hard time raising kids. Talk about it.
I personally have experienced so many emotions becoming a new mom, not only to my biological child but to my bonus kids, that I put myself in therapy. It took me going to a OBGYN appointment and bursting into tears after being asked if I was experiencing stress in my life that I realized I needed help. I didn't think I was hurting that much inside but nobody had ever asked me. He recommended my therapist I have now and I am so thankful and love her so much. Get help! (And check on your strong friends). People who go to therapy realize that they need someone to talk to and sort their thoughts and feelings out. A therapist is not going to hype up a situation and start dogging on anyone like a family member or friend might just create more craziness than actual help. I also hear a lot of women are 'not allowed' to go to therapy by their husbands because the husband thinks its going to be this huge ganging up on him fest which is completely ridiculous. That's not what therapy is and if that is your belief then you are wrong. Therapy is and always will be about YOU first and foremost. If you feel you need to go to therapy, go. Not everyone should or will but it's also a great time to be able to think a clear concise thought to yourself without noise. You can even go and sit in silence.
~I wish I had started working out sooner. I didn't get back into fitness until she was a few months old, because it was winter and before I got pregnant I wasn't really working out other than going for a run every now and then. It wasn't until I got into lifting weights at home that I really started to feel like myself again. I was finally doing something for JUST ME! I got to take care of myself for that 30 minutes. And thanks to my Beachbody programs, I never had to leave the house to do it. And not only that but I got to connect with so many other women who are sahm's and going through the same emotions and aspects of sahm-hood that I finally started to not feel so alone. So get to working out! It's great for your mind and body.
Finally, I wouldn't change anything about being a sahm. I hope I haven't instilled any fear in you because that's the last thing you need. I just share this because I was so lonely in my own thoughts and emotions that the only way out of that was by sharing my experiences with others. I've been working on my own personal development every since. I've learned so much about myself. What we can handle is far greater than you can even imagine. It'll all made you so much stronger.
~I am much more capable of handling highly emotional situations where I would normally just fly off the rails.
~I have grown so much in the emotional intelligence department, being able recognize and understand my emotions rather than be controlled and swallowed up by them. That is not to say that I haven't lost my shit as a mom, that's part of being a parent. But I am down to crying just once a month now haha.
~You will have days where your partner comes home and you have nothing to talk about except about the doll she accidentally dropped on top of her poop in the toilet that you then had to clean.
My last pieces of advice are never stop learning about yourself.
Work towards something.
Grow yourself, spiritually, emotionally, intelligently, powerfully.
Find a hobby.
I decided to become a business owner, from home, helping women like me start working out with the same programs I do.
I also got working on a book I was wanting to write and published it a year later.
I started this blog!
If you feel you aren't doing enough each day by the time your head hits the pillow, start keeping track of everything you do a day because we tend to forget and I let that get to me too.
Make lists of everything you need to do, appointments, everything!! Invest in notepads. You'll thank me later.
Go on dates with your partner. Trust me. You'll stay connected and you will get out of the damn house! And yes you will be worried about leaving your baby, that's natural, so start by just going out for just a few hours. It was probably 2 years before I did anything away from my baby other than going to a dentist appointment.
If you can't find time, make time, whatever it takes to do something for yourself. I can't stress that enough. It sounds selfish. Yes a baby is everything but if you can't show up for yourself, how can you expect to show up for others?
I want you to know that given the opportunity, I would do it all over again, even if it meant it would be 10 times harder. All the exhaustion, craziness, tears, guilty feelings, everything was worth it just to be able to have these kids and be able to raise them and have them in my life. Absolutely nothing compares to raising children and it's even more rewarding and fun when you have a loving partner to do it along side you as a team. The hardships, the strains to your relationship will only build your foundation and bond stronger when you learn to work through them with an open heart and mind.
And last but not least, give yourself grace and forgive yourself. You're only human. You cannot be everything for everyone all of the time.
Thank you for reading and if you made it this far I would love to have your feedback or even listen to your own personal experiences with motherhood and being a stay at home parent.